Lately, I haven't had much spirit for anything. My will is broken and hopes are dead and dust. Lately depression has been hunting me like a predator. I try to smile and remember why I have friends but then I realise I have none. At least any where I need them the most, around me. I have to turn to IMs and boards to feel special but then the person AFKs or logs off and I am faced with what I had before. An empty room and a heavy-laden heart.
Throw in that once the few that say they are my friends are dating or married so I can't do anything with them to get out... needless to say I feel like I am a waste of space. If we all matter to God then why am I worthless to everyone else. What I loved to do is now just a filler. I do it to have something to occupy me until I go to bed but then lay there sleeplessly.
I fake smiles so often I dunno what a sincere one looks like. Is this due to my breakup? To be fair it isn't. Heck my breakup is most likely due to the fact that even if you dip an onion in carmel you still have an onion. Now my online friendships are suffering. I seem to always be pissing any and all of them off. Hell I bet if I were to close my IMs for a month no one would care or notice. Too often I wonder how many of them would be my friend in the real world of if they just pity me.
I wish so much that I could take my heart from my chest and leave it in a chest and bury it somewhere. In someways I envy Davie Jones. In his lore he did that to not feel the pain in his heart. Lucky bastard.
I honestly don't know what to do... if this is all my life will amount to then I don't want it. I wish there was someone I could freely and openly give my heart... but with it ruined like it is no one would want a fixer-upper. So I'll just be alone until my heart stops. I honestly wish I knew where the source of this deppression came from to remove it... but on the other hand depression is the only familiar emotion I have. To not feel it after 12 years of it is a very scary thought...
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2 comments:
Hello there,
I stumbled onto your blog and I just want to say, hang in there. In one sense I kinda know how you feel. But I'm sure I don't know all of it.
Hang in there, man. God loves you, and his love covers an incredible amount of things.
Sometimes, hope comes from somewhere you wouldn't expect it to exist in. Keep your eyes and your options open, and always lean on God.
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