About Lost Love

Lyssi once accused me of seeing Laurana as my slave. I had tried to explain this was not so, it was an element but when I introduced her she was "my girlfriend" and in my mind she was "my wife". In many ways she was my first true love. I did love Cassie and at one time wanted to marry her. However, I did not love her that way (I don't think) because it was selfish love.

With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.

And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.

Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).

What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.

And she did. Really.

But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.

If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.

Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.

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To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.

I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.