A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit...

It’s our confession Lord, that we are weak
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”

A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry

Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray



This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.

Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.

I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.

Until I fell short.

I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.

I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...

Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?


My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.


Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.

Deliver me.