Life...

Life is as cruel as it can be wonderful. Like love. Find the one for you and it is AMAZING, but if you lose them you feel like your sould was torn from your body. Since Laurana left me that is how I feel. My friends agree with both her and I. They understand why she left and agree she should be hurt and angry... but they also agree with me that it can be healed if we work at it. I know I am trying to work on me and get right with God. Lately, he feels millions of miles away because... well everyone does.

I retreated into myself again... more than ever before. I leave the house almost daily to look for a job (to no avail) and come home feeling like a failure. Sleep elludes me, I crawl into bed and can still smell her in the pillows. I cry myself to sleep more often than not.

I seem to do that alot. Cry. The pain of her leaving is infinitely worse than when Cassie cheated and ditched me.

I even gave up my best friend in hopes of repairing things with Laurana... But all I can do is cling to the hope that Laurana and I will be restored. It's the only thing that keeps me waking up. I have been visited by old thoughts of giving up. Maybe I have somewhat... but not in the way the thoughts say. After all, I swore to Rana I would never EVER flirt with the idea of doing something "stupid" let alone actually do it. I love her and will do my best to keep my promises. All of them. I have made mistakes but I want to make them right. Because I love her.

Love.

I never fully understood it until recently and I am sure I don't have it all figured out. Don't know if I ever will. What I DO know is that love means sacrifice. Giving up your will, wants, dreams, desires.... for the other. Because you are safe to. She gave me everything and at first I gave almost nothing... I was and am selfish. But over time I would give more and more. But I was still weak, when hard times hit I jumped to what I knew. I do that alot. I don't like being weak... so I am trying to "buff up" as a book I am reading says to. It's a book Mom gave me 10 years ago that I never opened until now. Man in the Making. It's a book to help guys become men, real men. I wish I had the courage to start before she moved here. Would have probably avoided this mess.

Now she could be pregnant with my baby and right now wants to forget I exist and probably wants to pass the last year off as a mistake. I pray not. The end of July and beginning of the month were where we hit hard times. We were not ready for the waves and both reacted wrong. I should not have leaned on others (especially my female friend who I had a history with) and certainly have given up my IM-RPing like I said I did. I HAD given it up... but went back to escape after the fights when I was alone and hurting and that caused some of the problems we had.

When I left Cassie's house... I knew it was the end, I chose not to believe it but it was and somehow I sensed it. When Laurana left my house... I knew it was not the end. I'm holding to that and am only hers. I plan to wait forever for her if I need to...

I also realised, I don't want to make games. I don't want to make web comics. I want to go to school for business, I want to make the writer's haven that Laurana told me about. And I want to do it with her. It feels RIGHT. I mean, I spent the last 10 years wondering what I wanted to do for a living and with my life. Now I know. And it feels right.

~sighs~


God, I need your strength. I am now in the darkest time in my life to date. Lead me, take care of her and if she is pregnant, protect our baby as well as her. Keep her safe and help me become the man I need to be and they deserve. I'm in Your hands.

Dad, I am scared. I am scared she will look at me with fear in her eyes. I know she loves me still but is afraid... maybe as afraid as I am. I'm afraid that I will hurt her again. Help us know I won't. Speak to her, tell her she is safe with me... and make me safe for her. Take my anger and pain and selfishness. I don't want them anymore. They cause hurt and drove the woman I love away.

Restore me in my heart and mind and then restore us. Lord, help us build to that future we were planning.