About Lost Love

Lyssi once accused me of seeing Laurana as my slave. I had tried to explain this was not so, it was an element but when I introduced her she was "my girlfriend" and in my mind she was "my wife". In many ways she was my first true love. I did love Cassie and at one time wanted to marry her. However, I did not love her that way (I don't think) because it was selfish love.

With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.

And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.

Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).

What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.

And she did. Really.

But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.

If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.

Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.

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To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.

I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit...

It’s our confession Lord, that we are weak
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”

A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry

Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray



This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.

Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.

I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.

Until I fell short.

I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.

I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...

Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?


My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.


Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.

Deliver me.