I have spent so long thinking, crafting this letter in my mind and heart. The joyful news you had made my heart crumble. I have given the support you sought when all of me screamed that you should not carry through. Sadly, it seems not all love stories have a happy ending for both.
By the end of today your life saga will close one book and begin a new one, not simply a chapter. In this new book, you may have references and even cameos of past characters, however, my role as a core and even secondary character comes to a close. No, I am not abandoning you, cutting you off or cutting you out. But, for me I have to leave your story... for you toward me I believe Auron put it best. "This is my story, and you have no part in it."
So with a heavy, broken heart I have to say this... Good bye, my love.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Memory
Memory is funny, you focus on a memory and it can dictate everything. Who you are, who you'll be, what you think, what you do... and like me... what you are. I was forced to face memories. You see, I have always made my life sound worse than it is, now sadly this is not intentional. Mostly. I have focused so much on the bad in my past that I can't remember the good. Because of this I hate myself. Everything about me. I claim to be smart when in truth I am an idiot. A fool. I claim to have honor, I don't. I claim to be honest, but I am a liar and a manipulator.
I once told Laurana that "I never throw away good memories" but this is not true. Truth is, I do. I HATE it but I do. I can't even recall much about my time with her now and that was a couple months ago! As well as (for the most part) the happiest time of my life. How can I be with Amanda and help her if I can (as Alicia said it) "get my shit dealt with"? How do I start to like myself? How do I start to care if I live or die? I am so selfish, I love Amanda and tell her it but then fight thoughts of killing the one she fell in love with.
What's wrong with me?
How do I fight?
I am weak. I see it now... now that I do, it's time to train that weakness to strength. I guess being weak really isn't bad... it's not doing anything about it that is.
With that thought I am going to shower and go to bed.
God, help me. That's it. That's my prayer... help me.
I once told Laurana that "I never throw away good memories" but this is not true. Truth is, I do. I HATE it but I do. I can't even recall much about my time with her now and that was a couple months ago! As well as (for the most part) the happiest time of my life. How can I be with Amanda and help her if I can (as Alicia said it) "get my shit dealt with"? How do I start to like myself? How do I start to care if I live or die? I am so selfish, I love Amanda and tell her it but then fight thoughts of killing the one she fell in love with.
What's wrong with me?
How do I fight?
I am weak. I see it now... now that I do, it's time to train that weakness to strength. I guess being weak really isn't bad... it's not doing anything about it that is.
With that thought I am going to shower and go to bed.
God, help me. That's it. That's my prayer... help me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Training Day
I relearned how to fight. I remember the feel of a sword in my hand. My arm remembers its strength and my mind and heart recall their will to not give up.
Laurana wonders where the renewed strength is from because it is more intense than ever before. The truth is... it is from her. She destroyed me so she could leave... the bandages are off now and I am whole again.
And now I am in training.
She wants me to not be "chickenshit" and fight for our friendship... while I want to now is not the time. She is not ready for the new and improved me. So until she is... it must be "goodbye my past". The door is always open for you... but I can not pass through yet.
Not until my training is complete.
Laurana wonders where the renewed strength is from because it is more intense than ever before. The truth is... it is from her. She destroyed me so she could leave... the bandages are off now and I am whole again.
And now I am in training.
She wants me to not be "chickenshit" and fight for our friendship... while I want to now is not the time. She is not ready for the new and improved me. So until she is... it must be "goodbye my past". The door is always open for you... but I can not pass through yet.
Not until my training is complete.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
~sighs~ (repost from May 19th, 2007... still applicible)
Lately, I haven't had much spirit for anything. My will is broken and hopes are dead and dust. Lately depression has been hunting me like a predator. I try to smile and remember why I have friends but then I realise I have none. At least any where I need them the most, around me. I have to turn to IMs and boards to feel special but then the person AFKs or logs off and I am faced with what I had before. An empty room and a heavy-laden heart.
Throw in that once the few that say they are my friends are dating or married so I can't do anything with them to get out... needless to say I feel like I am a waste of space. If we all matter to God then why am I worthless to everyone else. What I loved to do is now just a filler. I do it to have something to occupy me until I go to bed but then lay there sleeplessly.
I fake smiles so often I dunno what a sincere one looks like. Is this due to my breakup? To be fair it isn't. Heck my breakup is most likely due to the fact that even if you dip an onion in carmel you still have an onion. Now my online friendships are suffering. I seem to always be pissing any and all of them off. Hell I bet if I were to close my IMs for a month no one would care or notice. Too often I wonder how many of them would be my friend in the real world of if they just pity me.
I wish so much that I could take my heart from my chest and leave it in a chest and bury it somewhere. In someways I envy Davie Jones. In his lore he did that to not feel the pain in his heart. Lucky bastard.
I honestly don't know what to do... if this is all my life will amount to then I don't want it. I wish there was someone I could freely and openly give my heart... but with it ruined like it is no one would want a fixer-upper. So I'll just be alone until my heart stops. I honestly wish I knew where the source of this deppression came from to remove it... but on the other hand depression is the only familiar emotion I have. To not feel it after 12 years of it is a very scary thought...
Throw in that once the few that say they are my friends are dating or married so I can't do anything with them to get out... needless to say I feel like I am a waste of space. If we all matter to God then why am I worthless to everyone else. What I loved to do is now just a filler. I do it to have something to occupy me until I go to bed but then lay there sleeplessly.
I fake smiles so often I dunno what a sincere one looks like. Is this due to my breakup? To be fair it isn't. Heck my breakup is most likely due to the fact that even if you dip an onion in carmel you still have an onion. Now my online friendships are suffering. I seem to always be pissing any and all of them off. Hell I bet if I were to close my IMs for a month no one would care or notice. Too often I wonder how many of them would be my friend in the real world of if they just pity me.
I wish so much that I could take my heart from my chest and leave it in a chest and bury it somewhere. In someways I envy Davie Jones. In his lore he did that to not feel the pain in his heart. Lucky bastard.
I honestly don't know what to do... if this is all my life will amount to then I don't want it. I wish there was someone I could freely and openly give my heart... but with it ruined like it is no one would want a fixer-upper. So I'll just be alone until my heart stops. I honestly wish I knew where the source of this deppression came from to remove it... but on the other hand depression is the only familiar emotion I have. To not feel it after 12 years of it is a very scary thought...
Friday, September 18, 2009
About Lost Love
Lyssi once accused me of seeing Laurana as my slave. I had tried to explain this was not so, it was an element but when I introduced her she was "my girlfriend" and in my mind she was "my wife". In many ways she was my first true love. I did love Cassie and at one time wanted to marry her. However, I did not love her that way (I don't think) because it was selfish love.
With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.
And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.
Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).
What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.
And she did. Really.
But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.
If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.
Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.
--------------------
To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.
I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.
With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.
And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.
Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).
What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.
And she did. Really.
But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.
If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.
Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.
--------------------
To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.
I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit...
It’s our confession Lord, that we are weak
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”
A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.
Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.
I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.
Until I fell short.
I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.
I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...
Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?
My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.
Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.
Deliver me.
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”
A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.
Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.
I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.
Until I fell short.
I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.
I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...
Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?
My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.
Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.
Deliver me.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Life...
Life is as cruel as it can be wonderful. Like love. Find the one for you and it is AMAZING, but if you lose them you feel like your sould was torn from your body. Since Laurana left me that is how I feel. My friends agree with both her and I. They understand why she left and agree she should be hurt and angry... but they also agree with me that it can be healed if we work at it. I know I am trying to work on me and get right with God. Lately, he feels millions of miles away because... well everyone does.
I retreated into myself again... more than ever before. I leave the house almost daily to look for a job (to no avail) and come home feeling like a failure. Sleep elludes me, I crawl into bed and can still smell her in the pillows. I cry myself to sleep more often than not.
I seem to do that alot. Cry. The pain of her leaving is infinitely worse than when Cassie cheated and ditched me.
I even gave up my best friend in hopes of repairing things with Laurana... But all I can do is cling to the hope that Laurana and I will be restored. It's the only thing that keeps me waking up. I have been visited by old thoughts of giving up. Maybe I have somewhat... but not in the way the thoughts say. After all, I swore to Rana I would never EVER flirt with the idea of doing something "stupid" let alone actually do it. I love her and will do my best to keep my promises. All of them. I have made mistakes but I want to make them right. Because I love her.
Love.
I never fully understood it until recently and I am sure I don't have it all figured out. Don't know if I ever will. What I DO know is that love means sacrifice. Giving up your will, wants, dreams, desires.... for the other. Because you are safe to. She gave me everything and at first I gave almost nothing... I was and am selfish. But over time I would give more and more. But I was still weak, when hard times hit I jumped to what I knew. I do that alot. I don't like being weak... so I am trying to "buff up" as a book I am reading says to. It's a book Mom gave me 10 years ago that I never opened until now. Man in the Making. It's a book to help guys become men, real men. I wish I had the courage to start before she moved here. Would have probably avoided this mess.
Now she could be pregnant with my baby and right now wants to forget I exist and probably wants to pass the last year off as a mistake. I pray not. The end of July and beginning of the month were where we hit hard times. We were not ready for the waves and both reacted wrong. I should not have leaned on others (especially my female friend who I had a history with) and certainly have given up my IM-RPing like I said I did. I HAD given it up... but went back to escape after the fights when I was alone and hurting and that caused some of the problems we had.
When I left Cassie's house... I knew it was the end, I chose not to believe it but it was and somehow I sensed it. When Laurana left my house... I knew it was not the end. I'm holding to that and am only hers. I plan to wait forever for her if I need to...
I also realised, I don't want to make games. I don't want to make web comics. I want to go to school for business, I want to make the writer's haven that Laurana told me about. And I want to do it with her. It feels RIGHT. I mean, I spent the last 10 years wondering what I wanted to do for a living and with my life. Now I know. And it feels right.
~sighs~
God, I need your strength. I am now in the darkest time in my life to date. Lead me, take care of her and if she is pregnant, protect our baby as well as her. Keep her safe and help me become the man I need to be and they deserve. I'm in Your hands.
Dad, I am scared. I am scared she will look at me with fear in her eyes. I know she loves me still but is afraid... maybe as afraid as I am. I'm afraid that I will hurt her again. Help us know I won't. Speak to her, tell her she is safe with me... and make me safe for her. Take my anger and pain and selfishness. I don't want them anymore. They cause hurt and drove the woman I love away.
Restore me in my heart and mind and then restore us. Lord, help us build to that future we were planning.
I retreated into myself again... more than ever before. I leave the house almost daily to look for a job (to no avail) and come home feeling like a failure. Sleep elludes me, I crawl into bed and can still smell her in the pillows. I cry myself to sleep more often than not.
I seem to do that alot. Cry. The pain of her leaving is infinitely worse than when Cassie cheated and ditched me.
I even gave up my best friend in hopes of repairing things with Laurana... But all I can do is cling to the hope that Laurana and I will be restored. It's the only thing that keeps me waking up. I have been visited by old thoughts of giving up. Maybe I have somewhat... but not in the way the thoughts say. After all, I swore to Rana I would never EVER flirt with the idea of doing something "stupid" let alone actually do it. I love her and will do my best to keep my promises. All of them. I have made mistakes but I want to make them right. Because I love her.
Love.
I never fully understood it until recently and I am sure I don't have it all figured out. Don't know if I ever will. What I DO know is that love means sacrifice. Giving up your will, wants, dreams, desires.... for the other. Because you are safe to. She gave me everything and at first I gave almost nothing... I was and am selfish. But over time I would give more and more. But I was still weak, when hard times hit I jumped to what I knew. I do that alot. I don't like being weak... so I am trying to "buff up" as a book I am reading says to. It's a book Mom gave me 10 years ago that I never opened until now. Man in the Making. It's a book to help guys become men, real men. I wish I had the courage to start before she moved here. Would have probably avoided this mess.
Now she could be pregnant with my baby and right now wants to forget I exist and probably wants to pass the last year off as a mistake. I pray not. The end of July and beginning of the month were where we hit hard times. We were not ready for the waves and both reacted wrong. I should not have leaned on others (especially my female friend who I had a history with) and certainly have given up my IM-RPing like I said I did. I HAD given it up... but went back to escape after the fights when I was alone and hurting and that caused some of the problems we had.
When I left Cassie's house... I knew it was the end, I chose not to believe it but it was and somehow I sensed it. When Laurana left my house... I knew it was not the end. I'm holding to that and am only hers. I plan to wait forever for her if I need to...
I also realised, I don't want to make games. I don't want to make web comics. I want to go to school for business, I want to make the writer's haven that Laurana told me about. And I want to do it with her. It feels RIGHT. I mean, I spent the last 10 years wondering what I wanted to do for a living and with my life. Now I know. And it feels right.
~sighs~
God, I need your strength. I am now in the darkest time in my life to date. Lead me, take care of her and if she is pregnant, protect our baby as well as her. Keep her safe and help me become the man I need to be and they deserve. I'm in Your hands.
Dad, I am scared. I am scared she will look at me with fear in her eyes. I know she loves me still but is afraid... maybe as afraid as I am. I'm afraid that I will hurt her again. Help us know I won't. Speak to her, tell her she is safe with me... and make me safe for her. Take my anger and pain and selfishness. I don't want them anymore. They cause hurt and drove the woman I love away.
Restore me in my heart and mind and then restore us. Lord, help us build to that future we were planning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
