Memory is funny, you focus on a memory and it can dictate everything. Who you are, who you'll be, what you think, what you do... and like me... what you are. I was forced to face memories. You see, I have always made my life sound worse than it is, now sadly this is not intentional. Mostly. I have focused so much on the bad in my past that I can't remember the good. Because of this I hate myself. Everything about me. I claim to be smart when in truth I am an idiot. A fool. I claim to have honor, I don't. I claim to be honest, but I am a liar and a manipulator.
I once told Laurana that "I never throw away good memories" but this is not true. Truth is, I do. I HATE it but I do. I can't even recall much about my time with her now and that was a couple months ago! As well as (for the most part) the happiest time of my life. How can I be with Amanda and help her if I can (as Alicia said it) "get my shit dealt with"? How do I start to like myself? How do I start to care if I live or die? I am so selfish, I love Amanda and tell her it but then fight thoughts of killing the one she fell in love with.
What's wrong with me?
How do I fight?
I am weak. I see it now... now that I do, it's time to train that weakness to strength. I guess being weak really isn't bad... it's not doing anything about it that is.
With that thought I am going to shower and go to bed.
God, help me. That's it. That's my prayer... help me.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Training Day
I relearned how to fight. I remember the feel of a sword in my hand. My arm remembers its strength and my mind and heart recall their will to not give up.
Laurana wonders where the renewed strength is from because it is more intense than ever before. The truth is... it is from her. She destroyed me so she could leave... the bandages are off now and I am whole again.
And now I am in training.
She wants me to not be "chickenshit" and fight for our friendship... while I want to now is not the time. She is not ready for the new and improved me. So until she is... it must be "goodbye my past". The door is always open for you... but I can not pass through yet.
Not until my training is complete.
Laurana wonders where the renewed strength is from because it is more intense than ever before. The truth is... it is from her. She destroyed me so she could leave... the bandages are off now and I am whole again.
And now I am in training.
She wants me to not be "chickenshit" and fight for our friendship... while I want to now is not the time. She is not ready for the new and improved me. So until she is... it must be "goodbye my past". The door is always open for you... but I can not pass through yet.
Not until my training is complete.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
~sighs~ (repost from May 19th, 2007... still applicible)
Lately, I haven't had much spirit for anything. My will is broken and hopes are dead and dust. Lately depression has been hunting me like a predator. I try to smile and remember why I have friends but then I realise I have none. At least any where I need them the most, around me. I have to turn to IMs and boards to feel special but then the person AFKs or logs off and I am faced with what I had before. An empty room and a heavy-laden heart.
Throw in that once the few that say they are my friends are dating or married so I can't do anything with them to get out... needless to say I feel like I am a waste of space. If we all matter to God then why am I worthless to everyone else. What I loved to do is now just a filler. I do it to have something to occupy me until I go to bed but then lay there sleeplessly.
I fake smiles so often I dunno what a sincere one looks like. Is this due to my breakup? To be fair it isn't. Heck my breakup is most likely due to the fact that even if you dip an onion in carmel you still have an onion. Now my online friendships are suffering. I seem to always be pissing any and all of them off. Hell I bet if I were to close my IMs for a month no one would care or notice. Too often I wonder how many of them would be my friend in the real world of if they just pity me.
I wish so much that I could take my heart from my chest and leave it in a chest and bury it somewhere. In someways I envy Davie Jones. In his lore he did that to not feel the pain in his heart. Lucky bastard.
I honestly don't know what to do... if this is all my life will amount to then I don't want it. I wish there was someone I could freely and openly give my heart... but with it ruined like it is no one would want a fixer-upper. So I'll just be alone until my heart stops. I honestly wish I knew where the source of this deppression came from to remove it... but on the other hand depression is the only familiar emotion I have. To not feel it after 12 years of it is a very scary thought...
Throw in that once the few that say they are my friends are dating or married so I can't do anything with them to get out... needless to say I feel like I am a waste of space. If we all matter to God then why am I worthless to everyone else. What I loved to do is now just a filler. I do it to have something to occupy me until I go to bed but then lay there sleeplessly.
I fake smiles so often I dunno what a sincere one looks like. Is this due to my breakup? To be fair it isn't. Heck my breakup is most likely due to the fact that even if you dip an onion in carmel you still have an onion. Now my online friendships are suffering. I seem to always be pissing any and all of them off. Hell I bet if I were to close my IMs for a month no one would care or notice. Too often I wonder how many of them would be my friend in the real world of if they just pity me.
I wish so much that I could take my heart from my chest and leave it in a chest and bury it somewhere. In someways I envy Davie Jones. In his lore he did that to not feel the pain in his heart. Lucky bastard.
I honestly don't know what to do... if this is all my life will amount to then I don't want it. I wish there was someone I could freely and openly give my heart... but with it ruined like it is no one would want a fixer-upper. So I'll just be alone until my heart stops. I honestly wish I knew where the source of this deppression came from to remove it... but on the other hand depression is the only familiar emotion I have. To not feel it after 12 years of it is a very scary thought...
Friday, September 18, 2009
About Lost Love
Lyssi once accused me of seeing Laurana as my slave. I had tried to explain this was not so, it was an element but when I introduced her she was "my girlfriend" and in my mind she was "my wife". In many ways she was my first true love. I did love Cassie and at one time wanted to marry her. However, I did not love her that way (I don't think) because it was selfish love.
With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.
And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.
Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).
What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.
And she did. Really.
But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.
If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.
Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.
--------------------
To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.
I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.
With Rana, I was selfish... but larning to be selfless. It was SO slow and I KNOW it hurt her. I could sense it in her IMs, hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. So I tried harder to show an effort. She rarely knew how hard for me it was to open up my weakness to her after how badly I was hurt. Not because I didn't let her to protect me, but because I could SEE it hurt her how badly wounded I was. She was the one I honestly loved more than myself. I'd like to see the best evidence was trying to give up the PC completely for 2 weeks. We made halfway, but I tried hard. At first, I looked for reasons to plug in... then... I didn't care to. I was giving up what I liked for her and did not mind. She was worth it, and it gave us time together.
And I learned from her what real love felt like from another. Cassie was a user. She used me in every way. Rana was a giver. She gave me everything... even a reason to smile and to live... and to want to have a life.
Rana taught me how romantic I could be.. but also how clumsy I am about it. She taught me that I am a sexy man... and how to arouse a woman with a word, a look, a mere breath. Because I could with her. She even taught me countless other lessons even some she didn't know she did (like chick flicks can be fun to watch as a guy... but only with your girl cuddled close).
What I could not remove from my life, I wanted to involve her in. I had asked her if she would look into the Zoids RP board, to give some of my MMOs a shot so she could play with me, we played my other games together and when she didn't like them, she would "let" me play and watch cuddled up. But she had to come first over them.
And she did. Really.
But... like always I fell short. Now I am left with letters, memories, lessons... and a hole in my chest. I will always love her and pray for her. Maybe, just maybe, she and I are meant to be together still... just need this time first. Only God knows. But we will see. Until then, she is a very fond memory and I hope the best for her.
If she ever wants to contact me, the window will always be there for her. Waiting. But will I be waiting for her to return? I... don't know. All I know is right now, I have broken pieces to clean up... and this time mend them. As I told Rana, everything broken can be fixed. Just need time and patience.
Will anyone love me or want me again? I don't know... but as I am I will do more damage than good to them. SO I am "off the market" still... possibly forever. I need to fix me.
--------------------
To my one true love, I will say this. Thank you for your words. You are still in my heart and soul, and will always be. I need you there because you were always my strength. If you EVER need ANYTHING, you can come to me. I know you say you won't... but if you need me, I will be there. I would move Heaven and Earth for you still. Never doubt the depth of my love for you, I just was not good at showing it but I tried to and was learning to. Love Dare was that to me, a way to not only know how to love you better but more importantly... show it.
I will always love you. That is why I had to let you go when you said you needed me to. Because I want you happy... even if it requires me to be a memory.
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit...
It’s our confession Lord, that we are weak
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”
A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.
Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.
I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.
Until I fell short.
I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.
I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...
Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?
My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.
Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.
Deliver me.
So very weak, but You are strong
And though we’ve nothing Lord, to lay at your feet
We come to Your feet and say, “Help us along”
A broken heart and a contrite spirit
You have yet to deny
Your heart of mercy beats with love’s strong current
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray
This song has been in my mind for the last two weeks. I don't know why beyond this is where I am. I am trying to get back with God but it is SO hard. You see... I haven't forgiven about the things with Laurana. Oh I forgave her, everyday. I messed up and hurt her and drove her off. This is something I must pay for every single day in addition to wondering what our kids would have been like. Could she have had her dream with Me? Or was it doomed to be us together or her dream? If she could not have had her dreams with Me... I KNOW she would not have been happy. Not truely. I tried to support her, help her. Not guide her but walk with her. She was MY strength as much as I was hers.
Losing her was like Hell on Earth for me. Unending pain. I love her and always will... but... I lost her. Forever. It is SO hard to not email her... but she said she needed me to never make contact again. She doesn't want to hear from me. That she regrets the time we were together. Every word is like a knife in my chest... one I deserve. I have been keeping the promises I made to her... because I want to think there is a part of her that cares still. Why I am trying to not go back to past sins, fighting the urges to hurt myself and worse because of the pain. Hell... I even thought about smoking whenever I can find a job... keep in mind I can't breathe around it. My lungs close up.
I swore to not hurt myself... so I don't. She may not love me anymore (one night I actually dreamt andhad a nightmare of her telling me she never loved me) but I love her still. Truely. Completely. I still have every letter she mailed, ever email she sent. And I have read them a few times in the last few weeks. I always knew what I had... and lost. She's been there for me since before Mom died (as Tannesha) and I was blessed to be with her. Doors opened, she got here with no problem and even found a job her first day hunting! I believe we were meant for forever like we thought.
Until I fell short.
I shamed myself and wanted (and want) to fix it but... it is too late. She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she doesn't want to even remember me. I am to her as Cassie is to me. Difference is... I would (have) do(ne) anything for her... even sacrifice everythign I am, love, enjoy... all for her. And I did. I gave up EQ completely for a while, most of my games, my RPing. (Even though I had "permission" from her to continue... I had asked her if it was something that bothered her and she had said no.) And I did not mind. It was more time with her.
I read the following days' Dares out of curiousity... it was getting into the areas we needed to fix in our relationship. Ironic isn't it? Where WE NEEDED work... was where we fell short. We both messed up and betrayed the other's trust. I forgave her...
Why can't I forgive myself?
Will I ever be able to?
Will anyone ever love me even half as much as Rana did?
What if no one can? What if I am too messed up? What if I am too broken?
My fear is back. It's been there since the day I got Rana's letter and my shirt back. I am not gonna see my next birthday. What if that was why this happened? God gave her to me, let us know true and pure love... then allowed this to happen so she could move on, forget I exist before my end comes? Then she would never know... never have to cry over me again. I am NOT suicidal... not at all. I am actually VERY afraid to die. I just... my gut says this is going to happen and why this happened and it has never been wrong.
Lord, I am afraid. I am alone. I am broken. Heal me, Dad. If Rana wasn't the "One" after all... why did I dream about her since I was a kid? Lord, if I was wrong after all... help me move on. Help me heal. And bless her, give her all her dreams. Give her joy, give her her dreams. She deserves them. And help me find new dreams now that I am awake. I need something to live for, to strive for... she was my dream and fantasy. She was my past, present and future. Now I need something to fill the gaping hole, Dad. Nothing else can fill it... so patch it. Please. Fix me... I am sick of crying. Save me. Deliver me.
Deliver me.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Life...
Life is as cruel as it can be wonderful. Like love. Find the one for you and it is AMAZING, but if you lose them you feel like your sould was torn from your body. Since Laurana left me that is how I feel. My friends agree with both her and I. They understand why she left and agree she should be hurt and angry... but they also agree with me that it can be healed if we work at it. I know I am trying to work on me and get right with God. Lately, he feels millions of miles away because... well everyone does.
I retreated into myself again... more than ever before. I leave the house almost daily to look for a job (to no avail) and come home feeling like a failure. Sleep elludes me, I crawl into bed and can still smell her in the pillows. I cry myself to sleep more often than not.
I seem to do that alot. Cry. The pain of her leaving is infinitely worse than when Cassie cheated and ditched me.
I even gave up my best friend in hopes of repairing things with Laurana... But all I can do is cling to the hope that Laurana and I will be restored. It's the only thing that keeps me waking up. I have been visited by old thoughts of giving up. Maybe I have somewhat... but not in the way the thoughts say. After all, I swore to Rana I would never EVER flirt with the idea of doing something "stupid" let alone actually do it. I love her and will do my best to keep my promises. All of them. I have made mistakes but I want to make them right. Because I love her.
Love.
I never fully understood it until recently and I am sure I don't have it all figured out. Don't know if I ever will. What I DO know is that love means sacrifice. Giving up your will, wants, dreams, desires.... for the other. Because you are safe to. She gave me everything and at first I gave almost nothing... I was and am selfish. But over time I would give more and more. But I was still weak, when hard times hit I jumped to what I knew. I do that alot. I don't like being weak... so I am trying to "buff up" as a book I am reading says to. It's a book Mom gave me 10 years ago that I never opened until now. Man in the Making. It's a book to help guys become men, real men. I wish I had the courage to start before she moved here. Would have probably avoided this mess.
Now she could be pregnant with my baby and right now wants to forget I exist and probably wants to pass the last year off as a mistake. I pray not. The end of July and beginning of the month were where we hit hard times. We were not ready for the waves and both reacted wrong. I should not have leaned on others (especially my female friend who I had a history with) and certainly have given up my IM-RPing like I said I did. I HAD given it up... but went back to escape after the fights when I was alone and hurting and that caused some of the problems we had.
When I left Cassie's house... I knew it was the end, I chose not to believe it but it was and somehow I sensed it. When Laurana left my house... I knew it was not the end. I'm holding to that and am only hers. I plan to wait forever for her if I need to...
I also realised, I don't want to make games. I don't want to make web comics. I want to go to school for business, I want to make the writer's haven that Laurana told me about. And I want to do it with her. It feels RIGHT. I mean, I spent the last 10 years wondering what I wanted to do for a living and with my life. Now I know. And it feels right.
~sighs~
God, I need your strength. I am now in the darkest time in my life to date. Lead me, take care of her and if she is pregnant, protect our baby as well as her. Keep her safe and help me become the man I need to be and they deserve. I'm in Your hands.
Dad, I am scared. I am scared she will look at me with fear in her eyes. I know she loves me still but is afraid... maybe as afraid as I am. I'm afraid that I will hurt her again. Help us know I won't. Speak to her, tell her she is safe with me... and make me safe for her. Take my anger and pain and selfishness. I don't want them anymore. They cause hurt and drove the woman I love away.
Restore me in my heart and mind and then restore us. Lord, help us build to that future we were planning.
I retreated into myself again... more than ever before. I leave the house almost daily to look for a job (to no avail) and come home feeling like a failure. Sleep elludes me, I crawl into bed and can still smell her in the pillows. I cry myself to sleep more often than not.
I seem to do that alot. Cry. The pain of her leaving is infinitely worse than when Cassie cheated and ditched me.
I even gave up my best friend in hopes of repairing things with Laurana... But all I can do is cling to the hope that Laurana and I will be restored. It's the only thing that keeps me waking up. I have been visited by old thoughts of giving up. Maybe I have somewhat... but not in the way the thoughts say. After all, I swore to Rana I would never EVER flirt with the idea of doing something "stupid" let alone actually do it. I love her and will do my best to keep my promises. All of them. I have made mistakes but I want to make them right. Because I love her.
Love.
I never fully understood it until recently and I am sure I don't have it all figured out. Don't know if I ever will. What I DO know is that love means sacrifice. Giving up your will, wants, dreams, desires.... for the other. Because you are safe to. She gave me everything and at first I gave almost nothing... I was and am selfish. But over time I would give more and more. But I was still weak, when hard times hit I jumped to what I knew. I do that alot. I don't like being weak... so I am trying to "buff up" as a book I am reading says to. It's a book Mom gave me 10 years ago that I never opened until now. Man in the Making. It's a book to help guys become men, real men. I wish I had the courage to start before she moved here. Would have probably avoided this mess.
Now she could be pregnant with my baby and right now wants to forget I exist and probably wants to pass the last year off as a mistake. I pray not. The end of July and beginning of the month were where we hit hard times. We were not ready for the waves and both reacted wrong. I should not have leaned on others (especially my female friend who I had a history with) and certainly have given up my IM-RPing like I said I did. I HAD given it up... but went back to escape after the fights when I was alone and hurting and that caused some of the problems we had.
When I left Cassie's house... I knew it was the end, I chose not to believe it but it was and somehow I sensed it. When Laurana left my house... I knew it was not the end. I'm holding to that and am only hers. I plan to wait forever for her if I need to...
I also realised, I don't want to make games. I don't want to make web comics. I want to go to school for business, I want to make the writer's haven that Laurana told me about. And I want to do it with her. It feels RIGHT. I mean, I spent the last 10 years wondering what I wanted to do for a living and with my life. Now I know. And it feels right.
~sighs~
God, I need your strength. I am now in the darkest time in my life to date. Lead me, take care of her and if she is pregnant, protect our baby as well as her. Keep her safe and help me become the man I need to be and they deserve. I'm in Your hands.
Dad, I am scared. I am scared she will look at me with fear in her eyes. I know she loves me still but is afraid... maybe as afraid as I am. I'm afraid that I will hurt her again. Help us know I won't. Speak to her, tell her she is safe with me... and make me safe for her. Take my anger and pain and selfishness. I don't want them anymore. They cause hurt and drove the woman I love away.
Restore me in my heart and mind and then restore us. Lord, help us build to that future we were planning.
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Werewolf and the Fairy.
There was once a man, he was a common, everyday human. One day when he was eighteen he would be attacked by an unseen attacker and suffer a bite on his shoulder. The bite was deeper than anything he felt before, going to the bone. It wouldbe days later, at the full moon, that he would change and lose his humanity. He would become a werewolf himself and go into the woods.
There was also a fairy princess, she was gifted beyond measure and her beauty was unparrelleled. There would be people that would hurt her for her position and gifts, due to this, she roamed the wood near her kingdom often for the solitude and freedom.
One day, both would be captured. He in a beartrap that threatened to take his leg, and she in a small cage of raw iron. At first, only at first, she was terrified of the wolfman. He snarled at all that drew near to him, but when they got close to her cage, he snapped his jaws or swung his razor sharp claws. When the captors slept that night, the werewolf stretched out, tearing his leg open worse to do so, and grabbed her cage. Using his strength due to the curse, he ripped the cage door off to free the princess. While he did not know her of her gifts, he did know she did not deserve the fate that awaited the following day... the day they would both be killed.
Now free of her prison, she could return to home, to what and who she was. However, she grew to love the beast in that moment and she could not leave him to die himself. Using her gifts, she freed him and together they escaped the hunters and disappeared into the deepest wood.
For months they would hide their relationship and blooming love. She would continue her life and steal to the woods at night to the planned place to meet her love. Eventually she made a choice to live with the being she loved more than life in his territory. The wood. At first, this was like a dream for them both, however, reality does creep into dreams.
One day, his worst fear would happen. In their passion, he lost himself and acted on instinct... he bit her just as he too had been biten. While she would be immune to his curse, the damage was done. He had sworn to never bite her, she swore to never fear him, but both broke that promise that day. In that moment, she forgot the man he once was, the man she saw, and she only saw the monster he had become. Her reaction was to flee to the safety of her kingdom, his was to win her back. To become again the man he was once, at any cost.
Sometimes there is no happy endings, but he plans to make their story one with happy ending. To prove a werewolf and a fairy can be safe and happy.
There was also a fairy princess, she was gifted beyond measure and her beauty was unparrelleled. There would be people that would hurt her for her position and gifts, due to this, she roamed the wood near her kingdom often for the solitude and freedom.
One day, both would be captured. He in a beartrap that threatened to take his leg, and she in a small cage of raw iron. At first, only at first, she was terrified of the wolfman. He snarled at all that drew near to him, but when they got close to her cage, he snapped his jaws or swung his razor sharp claws. When the captors slept that night, the werewolf stretched out, tearing his leg open worse to do so, and grabbed her cage. Using his strength due to the curse, he ripped the cage door off to free the princess. While he did not know her of her gifts, he did know she did not deserve the fate that awaited the following day... the day they would both be killed.
Now free of her prison, she could return to home, to what and who she was. However, she grew to love the beast in that moment and she could not leave him to die himself. Using her gifts, she freed him and together they escaped the hunters and disappeared into the deepest wood.
For months they would hide their relationship and blooming love. She would continue her life and steal to the woods at night to the planned place to meet her love. Eventually she made a choice to live with the being she loved more than life in his territory. The wood. At first, this was like a dream for them both, however, reality does creep into dreams.
One day, his worst fear would happen. In their passion, he lost himself and acted on instinct... he bit her just as he too had been biten. While she would be immune to his curse, the damage was done. He had sworn to never bite her, she swore to never fear him, but both broke that promise that day. In that moment, she forgot the man he once was, the man she saw, and she only saw the monster he had become. Her reaction was to flee to the safety of her kingdom, his was to win her back. To become again the man he was once, at any cost.
Sometimes there is no happy endings, but he plans to make their story one with happy ending. To prove a werewolf and a fairy can be safe and happy.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Isn't it amazing?
Isn't it amazing how one can claim to be your friend yet stab you in the back?
Alicia's boss and "friend" Anna lied to Alli, telling her that Alli would get her unused personal time in a paycheck as one does when they quit. Yeah, that's right, the $200 she was due she was screwed out of. They put it as she was terminated... BEFORE she quit. We're talking a day or so beforehand.
Isn't it amazing how life seems to enjoy kicking you when you are down?
So we're up to our armpits in crap... why is this happening? What does God want us to learn? We're trying to rely on him... but we're in trouble. We have NO money... NO income... NO real hope for better. I spent a few hours getting job applications but at this point even if I get two part-time jobs it'll be like a band-aid on a broken leg.
We're screwed.
Isn't it amazing how something can become a part of you and when it is removed... you feel naked without it?
I had to shave off my goatee for apping... something small yeah but I have had the face-fuzz for several years now. My face honestly feels WRONG. I know it sounds weird but I can't explain it. It doesn't feel right. Something small yes.... but now I look like a fugging 12 year old. I don't look like "me".
Alicia's boss and "friend" Anna lied to Alli, telling her that Alli would get her unused personal time in a paycheck as one does when they quit. Yeah, that's right, the $200 she was due she was screwed out of. They put it as she was terminated... BEFORE she quit. We're talking a day or so beforehand.
Isn't it amazing how life seems to enjoy kicking you when you are down?
So we're up to our armpits in crap... why is this happening? What does God want us to learn? We're trying to rely on him... but we're in trouble. We have NO money... NO income... NO real hope for better. I spent a few hours getting job applications but at this point even if I get two part-time jobs it'll be like a band-aid on a broken leg.
We're screwed.
Isn't it amazing how something can become a part of you and when it is removed... you feel naked without it?
I had to shave off my goatee for apping... something small yeah but I have had the face-fuzz for several years now. My face honestly feels WRONG. I know it sounds weird but I can't explain it. It doesn't feel right. Something small yes.... but now I look like a fugging 12 year old. I don't look like "me".
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Annnnnnd the rewrite...
The present in the story actually happened when Khongol was new. I hope you enjoy:
____________________________________________________________________
"Why not be a Shaman?"
"Simple, Mom, I gotta be in the thick of battle. Not standin' around and slowin' the enemy. 'Sides, remember me in school? I hated ta study."
"How about a Beastlord?"
"Great… then I’d be the joke of the group, even worse than Rangers and Bards. And I ain't that good with animals."
"Rogue then. You can still fight but be safe."
"No, then I wouldn’t be trusted. I NEED ta fight, not poke it with little knives."
The Barbarian woman, Tehmpest, sighed and shook her head, sending her then blonde, shoulder-length hair dancing. "Fine then, you can be a Warrior." This admission was ironically difficult coming from the Warrioress.
************************************************
Snapped from the memories, the Barbarian man swung his axe rending his foe in twain. The chuckle which had been in his throat was promptly cut short at the terror-filled scream, "TRAIN!!"
************************************************
"Urthak, Tehmpest... yer son's got issues with rage." Dargon McPherson told them with a sigh. He did not like letting down one of his Guild's finest Warriors. "A berserker such as him ain't safe. not jest fer the Warrior Guild, but fer himself as well."
The Guild Master lowered to his knee and touched the young Khongol on the shoulder. "I'm truely sorry, my boy, ya'll never be a Warrior." The Guild Master lowered his head a moment and then rose. "May the Tribunal and other jut gods of Norrath bless ya, Khongol, as ya seek yer place."
************************************************
With a quick sweep of his golden eyes, Khongol promptly found the source of the shout. It was a Teir'Dal Shadow Knight and a Human Druid. Under his breath, the gravelly voiced Barbarian muttered, "Dun they know that BlackBurrow ain't safe? 'Specially fer Druids."
With a push of his powerful legs, Khongol leaped from the platform he had been resting on and landed between the battered pair and their canine attackers. The couple had just passed where Khongol now stood and paused their escape to gawk at the kilt wearing man. Khongol bellowed at the two the command, "Run fer Qeynos Hills; I'll handle these mutts." With a sharp glance he saw they were still there, he repeated himself once. "RUN!"
"What about you?" The Shadow Knight asked, worry hinting in his harsh voice. Clearly he had not spent much time in Neriak.
"I'll be fine. Go now!" With that, Khongol raised his greataxe, whose head was made of solid glowing Velium. After seeing the pair run up the hill and make for the exit, Khongol then turned his attention to the small army which began to pass the man.
As he focused on the slobbering, dog-like Gnolls, he could see an aura-like color about each one. Once he saw a red aura, he had his target. A quick strike with one of his blunt throwing axes was all it took to knock out the knee of the Gnoll Guardsman. The Halasian was rewarded as the beast howled in pain and turned to face the one that inflicted the injury upon it.
This also had the side effect that the entire ocean of fur, teeth, and steel no longer cared for the fleeing prey... but rather the being that was sacrificing itself. The Barbarian who wore golden chainmail.
************************************************
"Dad, I decided. I'm gonna be a Berserker. Like ya are." The young Khongol told his father one afternoon.
With a gleam of pride in his unblinded eye, Urthak responded. "In that case, inside my bank is my old Glowing Velium Axe as well as some old gear. Take it; it's now yours."
************************************************
After introducing the Gnoll train to the gods of Norrath personally, Khongol knelt down nearby to bandage his wounds. It would be far better to loot the corpses after he had attended to his wounds rather than having another of the beasts jump him in surprise. He was aware of his company before the voice came from behind. "What in the gods' names are you?"
He could not help but smirk as he rose and turned to face the speaker. It was the couple he had just saved singlehandedly. While the Druidess began to magically heal his wounds, Khongol answered, feeling pride swell in his breast. "I'm a Berserker."
The Shadow Knight looked at the piles of carcasses and shook his head as he chuckled. "I have heard tales of your kind before... but I have never seen any... or what they can do."
Khongol rested his axe on his healed shoulder to allow the woman to continue her work as he spoke her her guardian. "Dun ya know bringin' a Druid here's suicide? The Darkpaws hate anyone from or with anyone from Surefall. Ya both coulda been killed."
With a meek voice, the Human woman spoke. "We didn't think this would have happened. We thought we could handle them... but then three came at once. So we had to run." A moment later she stood and stepped back to slump against a large rock to rest. "Well, that is the best I can do. I'm out of mana.... would you mind if we looked you up again? To group with us."
Something different... something I wrote years ago
The Origin of Khongol Hackinemupp
The present in the story actually happened when Khongol was new. I hope you enjoy:
"Why not be a Shaman?"
"Simple, Mom, I want to be in the thick of battle. Not standing and slowing the enemy down. And remember me in school? I hated to study."
"How about a Beastlord?"
"Great… then I’d be the joke of the group. Even worse than Rangers and Bards. And I’m not that good with animals."
"Rogue then. You can still fight but be safe."
"No, then I wouldn’t be trusted. I NEED to fight, not poke it with little knives."
The Barbarian woman, Tehmpest, sighed. "Fine then, you can be a Warrior."
************************
Khongol chucked to himself as he rent his foe in twain. At that moment, he heard a terror-filled scream, "TRAIN!!"
************************
"Mr. and Mrs. Hackinemupp, your son has issues with anger." Dargon McPherson told them. "A berserker such as him is not safe. Not just for the Warrior Guild… but also for him."The Guild Master looks at the young Khongol, "I’m truly sorry, my boy, you’ll never be a Warrior."
************************
Khongol sees the source of the shout: a young couple, a Shadowknight and Druid. Under his breath he wonders, "Don’t they know that BlackBurrow isn’t safe? Especially for Druids."
Leaping from his perch on a ledge, he lands before the battered pair, who were heading that way. "Run for Qeynos Hills; I will handle these mutts." Noticing the two were still lingering, "RUN!"
"What about you?" the Shadowknight worried.
"I’ll be fine. Go now!" With that Khongol raises his glowing axe.
Watching the two run up the hill and over the bridge for the exit, Khongol turns his attention to the small army starting to pass. Focusing on the dogmen, he sees an aura-like color about them. Seeing a red aura, he swings a Blunt Axe at the Gnoll Guardsman’s legs. The beast howls out in pain as its knee is knocked out of socket.
The ocean of fur, teeth, and weapons no longer cared about the invaders fleeing… but rather the Barbarian clad in golden chainmail.
************************
"Dad, I’ve decided. I’m going to be a Berserker like you." The young Khongol told his father, Urthak, one afternoon.
With a gleam of pride in his good eye, Urthak responded, "In that case, inside the bank is my old Glowing Velium Axe along with some old gear. Take it; it’s now yours."
************************
After personally introducing the gnoll train to the gods of Norrath, Khongol kneels down to bandage his wounds. From behind him comes a voice, "What in the gods’ names are you?"
Upon turning around he sees the Shadowknight and Druid. While the Druid begins to heal his wounds magically, Khongol answers, "I’m a Berserker."
"I have heard tales of your kind before… but I have never seen any… or what they can do." The Dark Elven man says while looking around at the piles of carcasses.
With a sigh Khongol asks the Teir ‘Dal, "Don’t you know bringing a Druid here is suicide? The Darkpaws hate anyone from or with someone from Surefall. You both could have been killed."
With a quiet voice the Human woman spoke, "We didn’t think this would have happened. We thought we could handle them… but then three came at once. So we had to run."
Stepping back and slumping onto a rock she then adds, "Well that is the best I can do. I’m out of mana… would you mind if we looked you up again? To group with us."
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008
You know, a new year is supposed to bring hopes and dreams. A chance to grow and learn and better yourself as a human. No one is supposed to have the year my family did. No one... so why? That is a question I have been asking for over a year now. "Why?" Do you want to know what made this question plague me? Not many know every detail.
December 17th, 2007 - I woke up and heard Mom and Alicia talking before they tell me I am watching Logan for an hour or two. Mom was going to get Dad from work and Alicia had to go to work. He was not due until 5, it was almost noon. Something was wrong. After two hours Mom and Dad come home and I could feel the tension, I rarely saw them have a full-blown fight. I found out that day he was fired. The excuse he was given was because he spent the last year practicing Nuclear Medicine without his certification, now he had paid to get his liscense up-to-date twelve months before. This was bullshit. The reality was, his partner, Barb, had a case ongoing against some higher-ups in the hospital... Dad was the only witness (and he could prove the manager way wrong) so by firing him they could cover their asses as he would be deemed a hostile witness.
January 1st, 2008 - Many friends wished me a Happy New Year, I felt that the year was going to be the worst I ever had. Boy, I had no clue what was coming in 72 hours.
January 4th, 2008 - It was an alright day, I was nervious as hell. You see, a few days before I made plans... alright... I asked Katie on a date. I was going to meet her at work and we were going to go out. Hadn't thought it out, I was thinking about going to Taco bell to eat (hey, don't judge! We always went there when it was the two of us.) and then I didn't know, I was going to play by ear. So I did not eat that night with the family. They were having fish, I forgot what kind. I was in a shower when Mom stepped on the porch for air.... 30 fucking minutes.... all I was in the shower for. I came out to Alicia banging on the door screaming at me to get out. When I did I saw why...
Mom was laying in the doorway between the porch a living room groaning. We fought to get her in the house because she was limp like a boiled noodle. It wasn't long before she started screaming out. I STILL hear her screams... When this was happening I had to distract Logan. I deluded myself into thinking he was okay, they would get oxygen in her, benedril for the allergic reaction... so Alli took me to meet Katie. As I waited, I got a call from Dad. Mom had died. I called the only friend from EverQuest that I had the number for, she passed the word to my guild leader, Portrich, and they spread the word around the server. Luanna (Tehmpest/Luannah) Kirback had passed away before she got to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital, I found my way to the waiting room where Dad was with Allen (the fucker), Greg (our family's friend and former pastor), and Billy Salser (long time friend, "Uncle Billy"). I was expecing accusations for not being at the hosptial... I don't remember who hugged me first. I remember that Dad asked if I wanted to see Mom before we couldn't. He warned me it was not pretty... if you never saw someone what sufficated to death, you can't imagine. Part of me doesn't want to describe... but I have to. She was literally blue. It is not a joke, her skin was BLUE in places and almost grey in her face. I forced myself to look, to burn the image into my mind. I forgot why... I guess as a punishment for being selfish. We returned to the others, I was quiet... processing everything. Why did I go? Alicia and her best friend, Sarah, had gone to River Rouge to find Crystal as her phones were not working.... they got back later, by then I lost all track of time. Nor did I sleep at all that night, and that began my trend. You see, I laid awake and all I could hear was Mom's screams.
January 6th, 2008 - I went to church on Sunday morning for the first time in months. I had to go. They had to know and I hadn't gone to youth since December 20th as we had been planning to move within the first week of January. Everyone knew something was wrong, I was in the back, not with everyone. I was quiet, I was never quiet. Now I really wasn't loud... but never silent. I told them... Brett looked like I kicked him in the stomach, Barta and Matt too. Jaime looked like she was going to cry.
Happy New Year, Zack. Enjoy this... this is the high point.
January 7th, 2008 - We had the memorial service for everyone downstate. We had easily 200 people come in and out. The ones that stuck out were Brett and Stacy (his wife), Adam Barta and his wife, Steve and Alicia, and Chip. They came for me, they knew I needed them. Jaime had sent a message that she wanted to come too, but she couldn't get off work early enough to make it. It had been a week... and I hadn't cried yet. Another trend...
January 8th, 2008 - The move, we abandoned our home so the park could sell it and moved in with my mom's mother. Things were going to go downhill faster than before. You see, she drinks... and she gets really emotional when drunk.
January 10th, 2008 - The funeral, again I locked myself up. Again I did not cry. I don't remember much, I barely recall the date. This is another trend. Times and dates and days don't mean anything to me it would seem.
January 21st, 2008 - I had told my family I wanted to SKIP my birthday. I didn't want to even acknowledge it. They did not give me that. They had a small party for family (as I have no friends up here). I just wanted to be left alone.
Over the next three months I would be in a routene, eat a little, play games, go on walks... whatever to try to forget myself and new reality. I would be blessed with times on EQ (the first day back, I swear 90% of the server sent me tells telling stories of how they knew Mom and all felt her loss). I would be cursed with times off the "game". Want to know what EQ really is? It is a living, breathing community that is found in a game's setting.
We would job and house hunt, eventually settling in Cadillac. Alicia would be the only one to find work, and now she may be losing it. We would have visits by EQ friends, making them real life ones too. The days would flow into one, which is rough when you take into account I got only 1-3 hours sleep (if lucky) during the first 6 months of the year.
April 22nd, 2008 - Mom's birthday and (Uncle) Mark and (Aunt) Brenda's wedding anniversary. Needless to say it was a hard day. They married that day as Mom had a large hand in their relationship, supporting and helping Brenda with the distance thing. So we spent the night with them as an anniversary party.
May 11th, 2008 - Dad and Logan's birthday. We celebrated Logan's birthday but not Dad's. Why could we skip his and not mine?
June 30th, 2008 - Mom and Dad's anniversary, Mark and Brenda came over with the kids. The night's a blur but they were there to try to help Dad forget himself.
Late July - An old email buddy popped on Yahoo IM for the first time in about 2 years. I get talking to her and find out the name I knew was a pen name. Her real name was Laurana Adams. This is important for a few reasons. One, I saved her from herself that day, and she saved me. We would talk every day and after only 2 and a half weeks, we knew there was something there.
August 6th, 2008 - Laurana and I became a couple. An online relationship, something I swore to never do again. Hell, after Cassie then the failed attempt at a date I didn't want anyone. Ever. Laurana saved me again that day.
The relationship with Laurana has been rough and bumpy, sometimes stop and go, but somehow we made it this far. In seven months we can meet face-to-face as we promised her parents we would wait for her to become 18. Her mother has become a living hinderance, as she seems to hate me though she claimed otherwise. Actions speak louder than words, Winter.
December 10-12, 2008 - I learned you can go home again. It may be different but different is not always bad. You see, Alicia had court on the 11th in Detroit for child support, so she and I went home. I went to visit the youth to see how they were fairing with Brett now a pastor in Georgia. I had told them on Decemeber 20th, 2007 that I would visit when they don't expect it and it will be a surprise. I came in like I always did before the move, and was not noticed. This made me smile. I took my coat off and put it on my normal seat (middle section, front row, left most chair). That was when Bustin (Justin Brown) realised it was me. He called my name and came over, this prompted Jaime to squeel/scream "ZACK!". Now I NEVER saw BJ (her boyfriend) to be distracted from a game, but he was and looked around to see me.
I spent the night with my friends, some people until the end I hadn't thought really liked me. People I discounted as friends as they wouldn't want me around. I was so wrong. I did many things out of character, first I played the game BJ led, I NEVER did that. I was also open to Jaime and filled her in on everything... Laurana had pulled me (mostly) out of my shell and Jaime saw it. I miss them. And I look forward to going back to visit. Now I won't say when, but the PLAN is soon.
This was my year. I have grown more this year than before but... at high cost. I pray for this new year... but I am now cynical. So we'll see what comes.
December 17th, 2007 - I woke up and heard Mom and Alicia talking before they tell me I am watching Logan for an hour or two. Mom was going to get Dad from work and Alicia had to go to work. He was not due until 5, it was almost noon. Something was wrong. After two hours Mom and Dad come home and I could feel the tension, I rarely saw them have a full-blown fight. I found out that day he was fired. The excuse he was given was because he spent the last year practicing Nuclear Medicine without his certification, now he had paid to get his liscense up-to-date twelve months before. This was bullshit. The reality was, his partner, Barb, had a case ongoing against some higher-ups in the hospital... Dad was the only witness (and he could prove the manager way wrong) so by firing him they could cover their asses as he would be deemed a hostile witness.
January 1st, 2008 - Many friends wished me a Happy New Year, I felt that the year was going to be the worst I ever had. Boy, I had no clue what was coming in 72 hours.
January 4th, 2008 - It was an alright day, I was nervious as hell. You see, a few days before I made plans... alright... I asked Katie on a date. I was going to meet her at work and we were going to go out. Hadn't thought it out, I was thinking about going to Taco bell to eat (hey, don't judge! We always went there when it was the two of us.) and then I didn't know, I was going to play by ear. So I did not eat that night with the family. They were having fish, I forgot what kind. I was in a shower when Mom stepped on the porch for air.... 30 fucking minutes.... all I was in the shower for. I came out to Alicia banging on the door screaming at me to get out. When I did I saw why...
Mom was laying in the doorway between the porch a living room groaning. We fought to get her in the house because she was limp like a boiled noodle. It wasn't long before she started screaming out. I STILL hear her screams... When this was happening I had to distract Logan. I deluded myself into thinking he was okay, they would get oxygen in her, benedril for the allergic reaction... so Alli took me to meet Katie. As I waited, I got a call from Dad. Mom had died. I called the only friend from EverQuest that I had the number for, she passed the word to my guild leader, Portrich, and they spread the word around the server. Luanna (Tehmpest/Luannah) Kirback had passed away before she got to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital, I found my way to the waiting room where Dad was with Allen (the fucker), Greg (our family's friend and former pastor), and Billy Salser (long time friend, "Uncle Billy"). I was expecing accusations for not being at the hosptial... I don't remember who hugged me first. I remember that Dad asked if I wanted to see Mom before we couldn't. He warned me it was not pretty... if you never saw someone what sufficated to death, you can't imagine. Part of me doesn't want to describe... but I have to. She was literally blue. It is not a joke, her skin was BLUE in places and almost grey in her face. I forced myself to look, to burn the image into my mind. I forgot why... I guess as a punishment for being selfish. We returned to the others, I was quiet... processing everything. Why did I go? Alicia and her best friend, Sarah, had gone to River Rouge to find Crystal as her phones were not working.... they got back later, by then I lost all track of time. Nor did I sleep at all that night, and that began my trend. You see, I laid awake and all I could hear was Mom's screams.
January 6th, 2008 - I went to church on Sunday morning for the first time in months. I had to go. They had to know and I hadn't gone to youth since December 20th as we had been planning to move within the first week of January. Everyone knew something was wrong, I was in the back, not with everyone. I was quiet, I was never quiet. Now I really wasn't loud... but never silent. I told them... Brett looked like I kicked him in the stomach, Barta and Matt too. Jaime looked like she was going to cry.
Happy New Year, Zack. Enjoy this... this is the high point.
January 7th, 2008 - We had the memorial service for everyone downstate. We had easily 200 people come in and out. The ones that stuck out were Brett and Stacy (his wife), Adam Barta and his wife, Steve and Alicia, and Chip. They came for me, they knew I needed them. Jaime had sent a message that she wanted to come too, but she couldn't get off work early enough to make it. It had been a week... and I hadn't cried yet. Another trend...
January 8th, 2008 - The move, we abandoned our home so the park could sell it and moved in with my mom's mother. Things were going to go downhill faster than before. You see, she drinks... and she gets really emotional when drunk.
January 10th, 2008 - The funeral, again I locked myself up. Again I did not cry. I don't remember much, I barely recall the date. This is another trend. Times and dates and days don't mean anything to me it would seem.
January 21st, 2008 - I had told my family I wanted to SKIP my birthday. I didn't want to even acknowledge it. They did not give me that. They had a small party for family (as I have no friends up here). I just wanted to be left alone.
Over the next three months I would be in a routene, eat a little, play games, go on walks... whatever to try to forget myself and new reality. I would be blessed with times on EQ (the first day back, I swear 90% of the server sent me tells telling stories of how they knew Mom and all felt her loss). I would be cursed with times off the "game". Want to know what EQ really is? It is a living, breathing community that is found in a game's setting.
We would job and house hunt, eventually settling in Cadillac. Alicia would be the only one to find work, and now she may be losing it. We would have visits by EQ friends, making them real life ones too. The days would flow into one, which is rough when you take into account I got only 1-3 hours sleep (if lucky) during the first 6 months of the year.
April 22nd, 2008 - Mom's birthday and (Uncle) Mark and (Aunt) Brenda's wedding anniversary. Needless to say it was a hard day. They married that day as Mom had a large hand in their relationship, supporting and helping Brenda with the distance thing. So we spent the night with them as an anniversary party.
May 11th, 2008 - Dad and Logan's birthday. We celebrated Logan's birthday but not Dad's. Why could we skip his and not mine?
June 30th, 2008 - Mom and Dad's anniversary, Mark and Brenda came over with the kids. The night's a blur but they were there to try to help Dad forget himself.
Late July - An old email buddy popped on Yahoo IM for the first time in about 2 years. I get talking to her and find out the name I knew was a pen name. Her real name was Laurana Adams. This is important for a few reasons. One, I saved her from herself that day, and she saved me. We would talk every day and after only 2 and a half weeks, we knew there was something there.
August 6th, 2008 - Laurana and I became a couple. An online relationship, something I swore to never do again. Hell, after Cassie then the failed attempt at a date I didn't want anyone. Ever. Laurana saved me again that day.
The relationship with Laurana has been rough and bumpy, sometimes stop and go, but somehow we made it this far. In seven months we can meet face-to-face as we promised her parents we would wait for her to become 18. Her mother has become a living hinderance, as she seems to hate me though she claimed otherwise. Actions speak louder than words, Winter.
December 10-12, 2008 - I learned you can go home again. It may be different but different is not always bad. You see, Alicia had court on the 11th in Detroit for child support, so she and I went home. I went to visit the youth to see how they were fairing with Brett now a pastor in Georgia. I had told them on Decemeber 20th, 2007 that I would visit when they don't expect it and it will be a surprise. I came in like I always did before the move, and was not noticed. This made me smile. I took my coat off and put it on my normal seat (middle section, front row, left most chair). That was when Bustin (Justin Brown) realised it was me. He called my name and came over, this prompted Jaime to squeel/scream "ZACK!". Now I NEVER saw BJ (her boyfriend) to be distracted from a game, but he was and looked around to see me.
I spent the night with my friends, some people until the end I hadn't thought really liked me. People I discounted as friends as they wouldn't want me around. I was so wrong. I did many things out of character, first I played the game BJ led, I NEVER did that. I was also open to Jaime and filled her in on everything... Laurana had pulled me (mostly) out of my shell and Jaime saw it. I miss them. And I look forward to going back to visit. Now I won't say when, but the PLAN is soon.
This was my year. I have grown more this year than before but... at high cost. I pray for this new year... but I am now cynical. So we'll see what comes.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sleep....
No I never get enough, I'm sick and tired. Sleep... No I never get enough, if I don't show up I might get fired.
Okay, so i'm not that bad. I am exhausted... and I got more sleep this weekend than in a LONG time. But it was a busy weekend. Family's (Un)Thanksgiving/Christmas thing was Saturday. I should be uploading a few pics later but... meh.
I'M NOT DEAD THOUGH!
Okay, so i'm not that bad. I am exhausted... and I got more sleep this weekend than in a LONG time. But it was a busy weekend. Family's (Un)Thanksgiving/Christmas thing was Saturday. I should be uploading a few pics later but... meh.
I'M NOT DEAD THOUGH!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
/headdesk
Last night before I crashed, my best friend, Stephanie, and I had a fight. You see, because of our history, I was afraid to tell her about my relationship with Laurana. Not shame in my girlfriend in anyway, but fear of losing the one person to stand with me through thick and thin for a couple years now. For the longest time we were more than friends, and details there are private so don't expect a post on how.
The fight wasn't about Laurana, it was because I was afraid she would ditch our friendship over me getting a girlfriend. After so long and so many fights and hurts and yet she stayed (and yet I stayed too), why did I worry annd LISTEN to that fear? My worry is that she's gone for good now... But I can't... won't listen to that worry. Or else I take her for granted. I just have to wait for her to calm down.
I hate waiting....
The fight wasn't about Laurana, it was because I was afraid she would ditch our friendship over me getting a girlfriend. After so long and so many fights and hurts and yet she stayed (and yet I stayed too), why did I worry annd LISTEN to that fear? My worry is that she's gone for good now... But I can't... won't listen to that worry. Or else I take her for granted. I just have to wait for her to calm down.
I hate waiting....
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Ramblings...
Sometimes, I wonder if Laurana can do better than me. She says no but sometimes I do wonder. Habits I have, things I think/say/do, etc all scream to me reasons she needs better in a boyfriend. Many things I am so ashamed of I cannot speak of them, I try to not allow myself time to think on them. But so often it fails. I wish I could bleach my brain to get rid of the vile and unneeded junk, to be pure for her. Alas I can't.
Why do memories need to be so damn complex?
Why do memories need to be so damn complex?
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