Memory

Memory is funny, you focus on a memory and it can dictate everything. Who you are, who you'll be, what you think, what you do... and like me... what you are. I was forced to face memories. You see, I have always made my life sound worse than it is, now sadly this is not intentional. Mostly. I have focused so much on the bad in my past that I can't remember the good. Because of this I hate myself. Everything about me. I claim to be smart when in truth I am an idiot. A fool. I claim to have honor, I don't. I claim to be honest, but I am a liar and a manipulator.

I once told Laurana that "I never throw away good memories" but this is not true. Truth is, I do. I HATE it but I do. I can't even recall much about my time with her now and that was a couple months ago! As well as (for the most part) the happiest time of my life. How can I be with Amanda and help her if I can (as Alicia said it) "get my shit dealt with"? How do I start to like myself? How do I start to care if I live or die? I am so selfish, I love Amanda and tell her it but then fight thoughts of killing the one she fell in love with.

What's wrong with me?

How do I fight?

I am weak. I see it now... now that I do, it's time to train that weakness to strength. I guess being weak really isn't bad... it's not doing anything about it that is.


With that thought I am going to shower and go to bed.


God, help me. That's it. That's my prayer... help me.