2008

You know, a new year is supposed to bring hopes and dreams. A chance to grow and learn and better yourself as a human. No one is supposed to have the year my family did. No one... so why? That is a question I have been asking for over a year now. "Why?" Do you want to know what made this question plague me? Not many know every detail.

December 17th, 2007 - I woke up and heard Mom and Alicia talking before they tell me I am watching Logan for an hour or two. Mom was going to get Dad from work and Alicia had to go to work. He was not due until 5, it was almost noon. Something was wrong. After two hours Mom and Dad come home and I could feel the tension, I rarely saw them have a full-blown fight. I found out that day he was fired. The excuse he was given was because he spent the last year practicing Nuclear Medicine without his certification, now he had paid to get his liscense up-to-date twelve months before. This was bullshit. The reality was, his partner, Barb, had a case ongoing against some higher-ups in the hospital... Dad was the only witness (and he could prove the manager way wrong) so by firing him they could cover their asses as he would be deemed a hostile witness.

January 1st, 2008 - Many friends wished me a Happy New Year, I felt that the year was going to be the worst I ever had. Boy, I had no clue what was coming in 72 hours.

January 4th, 2008 - It was an alright day, I was nervious as hell. You see, a few days before I made plans... alright... I asked Katie on a date. I was going to meet her at work and we were going to go out. Hadn't thought it out, I was thinking about going to Taco bell to eat (hey, don't judge! We always went there when it was the two of us.) and then I didn't know, I was going to play by ear. So I did not eat that night with the family. They were having fish, I forgot what kind. I was in a shower when Mom stepped on the porch for air.... 30 fucking minutes.... all I was in the shower for. I came out to Alicia banging on the door screaming at me to get out. When I did I saw why...

Mom was laying in the doorway between the porch a living room groaning. We fought to get her in the house because she was limp like a boiled noodle. It wasn't long before she started screaming out. I STILL hear her screams... When this was happening I had to distract Logan. I deluded myself into thinking he was okay, they would get oxygen in her, benedril for the allergic reaction... so Alli took me to meet Katie. As I waited, I got a call from Dad. Mom had died. I called the only friend from EverQuest that I had the number for, she passed the word to my guild leader, Portrich, and they spread the word around the server. Luanna (Tehmpest/Luannah) Kirback had passed away before she got to the hospital.

When I got to the hospital, I found my way to the waiting room where Dad was with Allen (the fucker), Greg (our family's friend and former pastor), and Billy Salser (long time friend, "Uncle Billy"). I was expecing accusations for not being at the hosptial... I don't remember who hugged me first. I remember that Dad asked if I wanted to see Mom before we couldn't. He warned me it was not pretty... if you never saw someone what sufficated to death, you can't imagine. Part of me doesn't want to describe... but I have to. She was literally blue. It is not a joke, her skin was BLUE in places and almost grey in her face. I forced myself to look, to burn the image into my mind. I forgot why... I guess as a punishment for being selfish. We returned to the others, I was quiet... processing everything. Why did I go? Alicia and her best friend, Sarah, had gone to River Rouge to find Crystal as her phones were not working.... they got back later, by then I lost all track of time. Nor did I sleep at all that night, and that began my trend. You see, I laid awake and all I could hear was Mom's screams.

January 6th, 2008 - I went to church on Sunday morning for the first time in months. I had to go. They had to know and I hadn't gone to youth since December 20th as we had been planning to move within the first week of January. Everyone knew something was wrong, I was in the back, not with everyone. I was quiet, I was never quiet. Now I really wasn't loud... but never silent. I told them... Brett looked like I kicked him in the stomach, Barta and Matt too. Jaime looked like she was going to cry.

Happy New Year, Zack. Enjoy this... this is the high point.

January 7th, 2008 - We had the memorial service for everyone downstate. We had easily 200 people come in and out. The ones that stuck out were Brett and Stacy (his wife), Adam Barta and his wife, Steve and Alicia, and Chip. They came for me, they knew I needed them. Jaime had sent a message that she wanted to come too, but she couldn't get off work early enough to make it. It had been a week... and I hadn't cried yet. Another trend...

January 8th, 2008 - The move, we abandoned our home so the park could sell it and moved in with my mom's mother. Things were going to go downhill faster than before. You see, she drinks... and she gets really emotional when drunk.

January 10th, 2008 - The funeral, again I locked myself up. Again I did not cry. I don't remember much, I barely recall the date. This is another trend. Times and dates and days don't mean anything to me it would seem.

January 21st, 2008 - I had told my family I wanted to SKIP my birthday. I didn't want to even acknowledge it. They did not give me that. They had a small party for family (as I have no friends up here). I just wanted to be left alone.


Over the next three months I would be in a routene, eat a little, play games, go on walks... whatever to try to forget myself and new reality. I would be blessed with times on EQ (the first day back, I swear 90% of the server sent me tells telling stories of how they knew Mom and all felt her loss). I would be cursed with times off the "game". Want to know what EQ really is? It is a living, breathing community that is found in a game's setting.

We would job and house hunt, eventually settling in Cadillac. Alicia would be the only one to find work, and now she may be losing it. We would have visits by EQ friends, making them real life ones too. The days would flow into one, which is rough when you take into account I got only 1-3 hours sleep (if lucky) during the first 6 months of the year.


April 22nd, 2008 - Mom's birthday and (Uncle) Mark and (Aunt) Brenda's wedding anniversary. Needless to say it was a hard day. They married that day as Mom had a large hand in their relationship, supporting and helping Brenda with the distance thing. So we spent the night with them as an anniversary party.

May 11th, 2008 - Dad and Logan's birthday. We celebrated Logan's birthday but not Dad's. Why could we skip his and not mine?

June 30th, 2008 - Mom and Dad's anniversary, Mark and Brenda came over with the kids. The night's a blur but they were there to try to help Dad forget himself.

Late July - An old email buddy popped on Yahoo IM for the first time in about 2 years. I get talking to her and find out the name I knew was a pen name. Her real name was Laurana Adams. This is important for a few reasons. One, I saved her from herself that day, and she saved me. We would talk every day and after only 2 and a half weeks, we knew there was something there.

August 6th, 2008 - Laurana and I became a couple. An online relationship, something I swore to never do again. Hell, after Cassie then the failed attempt at a date I didn't want anyone. Ever. Laurana saved me again that day.


The relationship with Laurana has been rough and bumpy, sometimes stop and go, but somehow we made it this far. In seven months we can meet face-to-face as we promised her parents we would wait for her to become 18. Her mother has become a living hinderance, as she seems to hate me though she claimed otherwise. Actions speak louder than words, Winter.

December 10-12, 2008 - I learned you can go home again. It may be different but different is not always bad. You see, Alicia had court on the 11th in Detroit for child support, so she and I went home. I went to visit the youth to see how they were fairing with Brett now a pastor in Georgia. I had told them on Decemeber 20th, 2007 that I would visit when they don't expect it and it will be a surprise. I came in like I always did before the move, and was not noticed. This made me smile. I took my coat off and put it on my normal seat (middle section, front row, left most chair). That was when Bustin (Justin Brown) realised it was me. He called my name and came over, this prompted Jaime to squeel/scream "ZACK!". Now I NEVER saw BJ (her boyfriend) to be distracted from a game, but he was and looked around to see me.

I spent the night with my friends, some people until the end I hadn't thought really liked me. People I discounted as friends as they wouldn't want me around. I was so wrong. I did many things out of character, first I played the game BJ led, I NEVER did that. I was also open to Jaime and filled her in on everything... Laurana had pulled me (mostly) out of my shell and Jaime saw it. I miss them. And I look forward to going back to visit. Now I won't say when, but the PLAN is soon.


This was my year. I have grown more this year than before but... at high cost. I pray for this new year... but I am now cynical. So we'll see what comes.

Sleep....

No I never get enough, I'm sick and tired. Sleep... No I never get enough, if I don't show up I might get fired.

Okay, so i'm not that bad. I am exhausted... and I got more sleep this weekend than in a LONG time. But it was a busy weekend. Family's (Un)Thanksgiving/Christmas thing was Saturday. I should be uploading a few pics later but... meh.

I'M NOT DEAD THOUGH!

Sad day for the world

First Obama was elected and then Michael Crichton died on the same day.

/headdesk

Last night before I crashed, my best friend, Stephanie, and I had a fight. You see, because of our history, I was afraid to tell her about my relationship with Laurana. Not shame in my girlfriend in anyway, but fear of losing the one person to stand with me through thick and thin for a couple years now. For the longest time we were more than friends, and details there are private so don't expect a post on how.

The fight wasn't about Laurana, it was because I was afraid she would ditch our friendship over me getting a girlfriend. After so long and so many fights and hurts and yet she stayed (and yet I stayed too), why did I worry annd LISTEN to that fear? My worry is that she's gone for good now... But I can't... won't listen to that worry. Or else I take her for granted. I just have to wait for her to calm down.


I hate waiting....

Ramblings...

Sometimes, I wonder if Laurana can do better than me. She says no but sometimes I do wonder. Habits I have, things I think/say/do, etc all scream to me reasons she needs better in a boyfriend. Many things I am so ashamed of I cannot speak of them, I try to not allow myself time to think on them. But so often it fails. I wish I could bleach my brain to get rid of the vile and unneeded junk, to be pure for her. Alas I can't.

Why do memories need to be so damn complex?